+i wish you would text me 24-7 like you do her.

+i wish you weren't married so we could see each other more often.

+i wish i didn't have a reason to be disappointed in you.

+i wish i wasn't so fucking jealous all the time.

+i wish i had a life.

+i wish i could kiss you whenever i want.

+i want to believe that deep down somewhere, you telling me you don't love me like that, is a big fat lie.

+i wish i could stop putting my life on hold for him.

+i wish i could be happy with who i am and not second guess myself all the time.

+i wish i had more girlfriends who i could hang with on a regular basis.

+i wish i was more social.

+i wish i wasn't afraid of taking chances.

tambien sueno que u te das cuento que yo quiero estar en tu cielo como la luz del sol.

"you said move on, where do i go? I guess second best is all i will know"

i just got caught up in my own thoughts
wondering what can and could never be
anything .ever. i think.

i want you but i have my doubts
thoughts fuzzy as clouds.

i don't want to write you another love song
because its like wasted energy.
i don't want to fall in love with you
because i know you don't want me.
i don't want to see you in my dreams
the tears bombard my eyes
i wish i could get away
i guess this is goodbye.

i stare at your picture
and see the future
what i thought was happily ever after
what you see as what never could be.
i can't help it
your eyes speak to my soul.
i wish i could get away
i wish i could let you go.

someone please pull me up
from this rope that i dangle from.
from the grips of your selfishness
to have me when it's convenient.
im done crying.
im done trying.
im done.
this is goodbye.

i can see myself treading through uneasy water and i know what i am doing will only land me where i don't want to be.

i can't help it. im getting pulled in.

stop me!

i wish i had a valentine to buy me all of the cute Hello Kitty shit coming out February 12th from MAC.

i have too much makeup but i can't pass this up. Everything is going to be pink and sparkly and pretty and cute. Hello Kitty is the epitomy of everything that is feminine in this world. i think...

so i'll drop hints to those dearest to me but if all else fails, i'm treating myself ♥

it's sooo effing cold.

and i feel crappy like my monthly visitor is stuck in traffic but surely coming for a visit in a little bit.

errrr.

My New Years Resolutions:

-Don't have any expectation, that way i can't be disappointed.
-Surround myself with positive people.
-Don't hold back anything.
-Let go.
-Make more money.
-Stay focused.
-Smile more.
-Worry less.
-Love.

It's that time of year again. Christmas is here but I don't feel as cheery and lovey as I am usually this time of year. Instead I feel alone and cold. always freezing cold litterally and emotionally.

I don't even know how to feel about anything anymore. I feel so numb to everything around me like my life is on a track to nowhere really.

I can't even show emotion to anything really. Sure I laugh and cry but inside I know that my world can shatter any more than it already has so I am numb to everything around me. Like I am waiting for horrible things to happen almost so I can not be surprised at all.

Especially now that the eceonomy has turned to hell on earth where everyones losing their jobs and struggling to make ends meet. It's hard to feel anything at all. It is all too surreal.

When exactly do you stop and say "I'm ok. I'll be ok. I'm gonna be ok" ?

I can tell myself the same things over and over and over and still lay in bed for hours trying not to cry myself to sleep because of how alone I feel. All of my best friends all have someone to go home to at the end of the day when their worlds come crashing down on them.

I work more hours because I don't want to be home thinking about how fucking sad I am all the time. It shows I'm sure. Everyone always asks if I am ok.

hi guys, no i'm not really.

but my own happiness lies within my own self. I so badly want to have someone to love me and keep me warm when things get cold. How many times have I written an entry like this? I sound like a broken record.

somebody please hit stop.

I can't help the fact that I am still in a deep love with the one person who can make me feel happy and sad at the same time. I can't help that I am still in love with J. It's hard for me to grasp the concept of just friends, so I brush him off and stay distant. I don't even hug him goodbye anymore because I feel like it will be goodbye forever. I love him so much it's sickening.

So i act like i don't care. I act like i'm over everything like i'm over him. Like i expect for everything to go wrong. This way I'm not surprised when they do.

Me duele amarte
Sabiendo que ya te perdí
Tan solo quedara la lluvia
Mojando mi llanto
Y me hablara de ti
Me duele amarte
Los sueños que eran para ti
Se pierden con cada palabra
Con cada momento que espere vivir
Me duele mas imaginar
Que tu te vas y dejaras
Detras de ti
Tu ausencia en mis brazos
Me duele tanto sospechar
Que ni tu sombra volverá
Para abrigar
Mi alma en pedazos

Me duele amarte asi
Hasta morir
Lanzándome a la nada viéndote partir
Me duele aquel Abril
Cuando te vi
Por vez primera y dije que eras para mi
Me duele amarte tanto

Me duele amarte
Los sueños que eran para ti
Se pierden con cada palabra
Con cada momento que espere vivir
Me duele mas imaginar
que tu te vas y dejaras
Detras de ti
Tu ausencia en mis brazos
Me duele tanto sospechar
Que ni tu sombra volverá
Para abrigar
Mi alma en pedazos

Me duele amarte asi
Hasta morir
Lanzándome a la nada viéndote partir
Me duele aquel Abril
Cuando te vi
Por vez primera y dije que eras para mi
Me duele amarte tanto

Lately I've been finding comfort in spanish songs. I love listening to them and kind of understanding but not really. It's kind of complicated like my head and the way my female mind works.

duckygoquack220: i am a god given gift ok
AluKPunK: yes i know
duckygoquack220: lol
AluKPunK: but [women] are the most irrational animals in the animal kindom
AluKPunK: u know animals, in a good way.


...haha.

it really does. i still struggle with it but it's getting better definately.

i just need to stay busy to keep my mind off things. stop thinking about the what what ifs and maybes.

i'll be ok.

promise.

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch


You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take


One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time


You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew


You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take


One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time


When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
When you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way we get there
Is one step at a time


Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time


One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

when the one you want doesn't want you too.

and so goes the end of this chapter in my life. off to a new beginning of self love, understanding and respect.

i just want to be happy.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of taking my dad's run down nissan ultima to the shop to get it diagnosed and eventually repaired. One hundred dollars later i was told my diagnosis would take place as soon as possible and that i would be contacted within the next three hours.

three hours! great. I decided to take a walk over to the McDonalds across the street to grab some food because my stomach was screaming for some salty salvation. After deciding that i wanted a shitload of salty fries and some chicken nuggets i walked up to the counter,

Employee: (in thuggish dialect) Uh yeah welcome to McDonalds can I take ya order?

(he is mexican i must add)

Me: Hi, can I get a..... (stops and glances down at his nametag)

Ok seriously "homeboy" must have seriously taken advantage of the fact that his manager was off or something of that sort because scribbled in black sharpie over his socially acceptable name, Michael, was DADDY in big black letters. Right dude.

I could only imagine what exactly scrolled through his mind.
"You can just call me Daddy".

please.

I couldn't stop myself from looking down at that name tag between my "yes large fries" and "sweet and sour sauce please". Was he serious? Im pretty sure he was.

The cherry on top was when after five times of asking for my name to scribble on the receipt I spelled it out all five times and he decided my name for that day was just simplly going to be Maris.

good times.

"Love will come find you
that's what they say
then why do i keep looking
i thought i already found you
i sleep rest assured
that someday you will want me too
i gotta step away from this mess
my heart always gets ripped to pieces
at the end of the day

when i first met you
i fell in love with your smile
but now i don't know your intentions
whether my efforts were worth while.
your hands wiped away my tears
when my world crumbled at my feet
but youre the reason why i cry
these endless rivers of tears
of your love that is bittersweet."





"i can't arrange these thoughts
deep engraved in my head
i feel like giving up
on everything
everything
i can't keep these images of us
in better times out of my mind
they are leading me down a dark road
the dark road of destruction.

i can't stop thinking about dying,
can't stop thinking about calling it quits
i can't stop thinking about you
can't stop"

my stomach feels uneasy like i want to break down and cry for no apparent reason at all really. Maybe it's just me being a total mentstrual case or it's simply my uneasy feeling of my complicated thoughts that play throughout my complicated head over and over again.

I keep catching myself staring at my feet which are still painted pretty with white and blue flowers from the wedding a few weeks back. I catch myself thinking morbid thoughts of weather or not I'll be wearing shoes for my funeral, or what my feet would look like if a toe was missing....then i feel like crying. I don't know. Call me crazy.

what's up crazy.

im exhausted from working endless hours and coming home and sleeping in until noon. I feel like im wasting my life away when i should be out in the world exploring new things, meeting new people, trying new foods and driving to secret places. but i've only been doing so in my dreams.

i look forward to sleep where i can venture off into surreal worlds of beautiful colors and warm feelings of love and excitement. a world where i want to stay forever.

i want to write about it in my songbook, but i am scared to open it. i fear that once i do i will look back to the beginning where my heart ached.i'd rather not open that chapter again. maybe i'll burn it....but i probably won't.

i'll just go listen to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. it makes me smile a little bit.